Raindrops and Roses

I hate when people ask me a question, then don’t even bother to listen to my answer for one second! Like why even waste the air.

So what follows is basically a really long Facebook status. lol

For some odd reason

I’ve been getting triggered a lot lately, meaning just seeing a word or story will give me unpleasant flashbacks. It makes me realize I still (STILLLL and always) have things to work on. I have a habit of minimizing my problems (it’s not that bad, nbd) but I’m also super sensitive, as if y’all didn’t know that hahaha, which I don’t like about myself but at the same time it makes me a good listener, compassionate, and all that jazz, which I do like. What I SHOULD do is allow myself to feel some type of way and work through it. I thought I was okay but I’m not right now. And that’s okay. In the end everything’s ok and if it’s not okay then it’s not the end.

Mantra of 2018: “THIS IS FINE. EVERYTHING’S FINE.” *chaos continues to ensue* lol

One reason, well the main reason I haven’t been writing as much is because I’ve found a different way to express myself. By like, actually talking to people! Which for me is huge because it used to be such a struggle and still is, having a million words racing through my mind but never able to find a voice. It’s still difficult but I’m so glad it’s way easier now than it used to be. It’s takes practice, effort, and work as I think everything in life does.

Ok ok don’t worry about me. Another reason I write less is because I’m happy and I don’t have much to write furiously about. Nobody wants to read about how happy I am lol but in case you do! Everything’s pretty great. I’m just going through a day. I haven’t been drinking much caffeine and today I’ve had too much and now I’m up at “tweaker hours” overthinking ish.

There’s a fine line between overthinking and reflecting, and I love reflecting! So I guess it’s self-evaluation time!

When I first started this blog, it was to help me get the ropes of being a first-time mom to my precious newborn, Liliana. Now this girl is 3-going-on-4. If you follow me on social media, then you know she’s so happy, social, and energetic, the opposite of me hahaha jk, kinda. I love her! So yeah now that she’s older, it’s easier. (No more diapers!) Watching her grow every day is bittersweet, more sweet of course.

The sad part is you never get time back. But it’s exciting and amazing to see how she learns and becomes her own person.

Kids say the darndest things. They casually drop wisdom that makes you say, “Huh. Never thought of it that way, but you righ.”

She still cries about once a day. In a way it helps remind me she IS still a baby. My baby. It’s very rewarding to be able to comfort her though. She’ll usually cry if she’s overwhelmed with emotion and doesn’t know what to do with it. Today I realized that’s how I was feeling and was able to empathize with her.

She LOVES swimming. She’s liked dancing since before she learned how to stand up. She liked riding her bike too, but for some reason lately she’s been scared. That’s another thing about kids: one day they’ll be into something, the next they ain’t bout that life at all. Like with different kinds of food.

3-4 is a fun age. We’re kinda coastin’ right now compared to when she was smaller. She’s potty-trained (makes a big difference once they learn, at their own pace of course) and impressively articulate. I tell moms if their baby is acting up, a lot of the time it’s because they understand so much but don’t know how to communicate everything yet. Looking back on this post, that’s pretty much what I said about myself hahaha. Trust me it’s frustrating 😂

Anyway I should prob go. Thanks for reading, to the two people who made it this far

I need everybody to read more

K thanks yall. Idk, always feel free to talk to me if you want! Don’t slide in my dms tho cuz that would be a waste of your time. I mean leave a comment or something. I do love catching up with friends and I don’t hear from y’all enough!

Randomly enough, here’s my favorite song right now ❤️ Never heard of either of these artists until I stumbled upon this song on Spotify. If you have any recommendations for something similar, let me know.

Latest books I read:

Celeste Ng’s bestselling novels Little Fires Everywhere and Everything I Never Told You

 

Both set in suburban Ohio (around the 1990s and 1970s respectively), these books revolve around family secrets and definitely take a look at what it’s like to be “other” in a cookie-cutter town. As I was reading, everything seemed normal… it’s not a thriller in any way… and yet, the emotions could get intense. Would recommend.

PAGES READ: 3,387 out of my 5K goal for the year! Yes I started on January 1. I think I’m at a good pace. It ends up being about two books a month.

Latest Movies

I’ve seen every Marvel/MCU movie, and I say this one is worth watching just for the post-credits scene. Other cool aspects: The villain and the adventure!

Liked this better than Incredibles 2, easily! Incredibles was good too, but HT3 kept both of us more entertained. Okay, Lili and I love all the Hotel Transylvania movies, and this was my favorite of the three because it takes place on a cruise rather than in the hotel. And the music always slaps haha

I haven’t seen this movie yet, but I want to include it because it’s 100% Bay Area, in particular Oakland. The directors are from the bay, it’s set in the bay, and it’s all about the problems we face here in the bay. The directors are also poets, so from what I know much of the script is actually written in verse. Isn’t that cool??

Okay, I know this post was long-winded, so thanks for hanging in there! Again feel free to leave a comment about anything under the sun, or from a past life, or in your head… peacee

The Homily and the Memoir

When I touched the holy water to my forehead, I didn’t feel the weight of my many sins, but I instantly felt them being washed away. Forgiven before they even happened.

I don’t go to church as often as my grandma would have wanted, at all, but when I do, the priest’s homily seems to directly relate to what’s going on in my life at the time.

So, the message I received that day was:

Humility is serenity.

The priest explained that humility, or being thankful for what you have and not playing into a power struggle or trying to control everything, will lead to peace.

Combine that with a passage from the memoir I’m currently reading called The Slice Harvester by Colin Atrophy Hagendorf:

When you turn 27… if you’re healthy and comfortable in your own skin (aka if you keep it really real), then things are good, but if you’re in denial about stuff or not totally psyched about yourself (aka you’re a poser), then times are rough and tough like leather and you’re put through constant trials in order to overcome your character flaws and become a better person.

I happen to be 27 right now. Both the homily and the memoir posed the question whether I feel like I’m stuck at a dead end, and I realized the answer is yes. But what looks like a dead end might as well be a jump-off point. Or the only way out is through. Something like that. After receiving these two messages, I’m more optimistic about the present and future. I think of my daughter Lili and feel at peace because raising her has been a success. I’m not satisfied with my hair, slightly gained weight, have an annoying zit and like no money, but that is okay and hopefully only a temporary situation. lol. I guess it’s time to overcome a few character flaws and become a better person!

 

First Words

lol y’all still listening? I forgot WordPress exists for a second. But WordPress didn’t forget me! (As in, it remembered my password for me…..)

I haven’t posted since the day I met G-Eazy? Wow.

Ssssooooooooooo

How about that new year? It’s January 13, are we supposed to be settled into 2018 by now?

Okay, I’ll try to write more this year. Because I’m DEFINITELY reading more this year. I’ve probably read more pages of books this week than I had in the past… three years, to be honest. I think I fell off after I had Lili. I’m not mad about it. She can have all my attention. But now that she’s three, I have a little more time to myself. I also like to be a good influence and read in front of her… today, she was carrying a book and kinda whined at me to read it with her. First Words. We actually got it in Canada so some of their words are a little different from ours, haha. We didn’t actually get around to reading it, though. I think we got distracted by popsicles or something.

I finished two books I borrowed from the library recently. The Windfall by female author Diksha Basu and Cooking As Fast As I Can by famous chef Cat Cora. I liked them both and would recommend either.

The Windfall is set in India and is fictional, although it is probably inspired partly by the author’s life. It’s about a middle-class family that comes into fortune through the father’s hard work, which isn’t really a windfall. But it focuses on their transition into upper class. I didn’t know very much about Indian culture, but from reading that book I got insight into everyday life in India. I love learning about different cultures because it helps me relate more to the people around me.

Cooking As Fast As I Can is Cat Cora’s memoir. Her life is fascinating, and she is very honest about uncomfortable topics. I’ve always appreciated those who are brave enough to shed light on the “taboo.” Nothing’s really taboo to me. I think everything needs to be talked about because someone out there can always relate. She talks about childhood abuse, being a lesbian, and her struggle with alcoholism. But there were also many bright moments of her working in the kitchen, in my dream destination of provincial France and even locally in Napa and the East Bay. Apparently she even has a restaurant inside SFO! I wrote down a lot of places from the book I’d like to visit.

Delancey is another book I read, about opening a pizza shop in Seattle. Another restaurant book, so yeah, I think I’m a food expert now. (I’m definitely not.)

Now that I’ve finally finished some library books, I can finally try out the Kindle Paperwhite I got from my lovely boyfriend for Christmas. Now I’m reading Ready Player One because I heard it was good and it’s being adapted into a movie. I prefer reading books first so I can create my own image of the characters and settings, before watching the movie ruins that for me haha.

Also I’m playing Mass Effect: Andromeda (yaaasss) on PS4. Books and video games are all for my inner recluse.

But I’ve also been trying to travel as much as possible within the U.S. So much international travel is on my bucket list, but for now exploring the states is more feasible. And the U.S. has plenty to offer! My last trip was to New York and Chicago. I love both cities. I’ve been missing New York since I got back home, though. I really fulfilled my Prohibition Era speakeasy fantasies on that trip haha. I’m stuck in the Jazz Age.

Next up is LA! Disneyland and Universal Studios. Yeah, not even leaving California haha. I’m super excited, though. I’ll be there for Valentine’s Day. I haven’t really explored LA in over ten years. Disneyland I’m familiar with, but it’s always a *magical* time, exponentially more so with Lili. The last time I visited Universal Studios was actually the Orlando location, where I visited Harry Potter World for the first time. So now I’m ready to see what LA has to offer! My Fleur Delacour wand is at the ready.

My dad and me in Harry Potter World. I’m having too much fun

Okay, your turn! What have you guys been up to? I’d love to hear 🙂

America’s Finest

It’s unexpected that of all things, meeting bay area rapper G-Eazy yesterday would inspire me to finally write another blog. Why?

So, yesterday’s event was an autograph signing and promotion for G-Eazy’s new whiskey line (and yo girl’s new favorite whiskey), Stillhouse. Not only that, but he was also previewing his upcoming album, The Beautiful & Damned, due in the fall.

The event took place at Oakland Bevmo. Of course my first time meeting a famous person, let alone G-Eazy, would be inside a liquor store. I spent a long time in line, but I made new friends, and being Oakland, the people-watching was prime. An empty vodka bottle fell from the sky. (I think it rolled off the roof?! Cuz no one was around to throw it, and there was a ton of people in line who didn’t see anything.) Luckily no one got hurt. My friends and I made it onto the Stillhouse Instagram story, screaming “We Love G-Eazy!” And the wait was definitely worth the free swag, including a camo Stillhouse snapback! Gerald, how did you know that was exactly my style? Haha.

My friends and I were so excited to meet him. I had butterflies. “OMG he’s soooo cute and sweet!” was pretty much what was going through my head. Time was of the essence… eventually we were told we could only choose to have something autographed, or take a picture with him. I chose a photo because like, it’s so much easier to show off to my friends than an autograph. Haha. I went last out of my three friends, because the first came all the way from Monterey to be there (that day was my first time meeting her. Hi Kayla!), and my other home girl was the one who invited me, or else I never would have had a clue about it.

Friend #1 finally got her turn, I was so excited for us. She asked him, “So how was that burrito?” (Had to be there I guess.) He said it was fire! lol. Friend #2 actually danced with him a little bit to his new music! I was like, OMG you’re dancing with G-Eazy! I learned later that G-Eazy doesn’t shake hands. We were all required to use hand sanitizer before we met him, too. lol. Luckily, and unknowingly, when my turn came along I went straight in for the hug! Lol. I knew he was extremely pressed for time and probably a little tired of us fangirls lol, so I just smiled and said hi… (my signature opening line lol)… gave him the side hug, took the picture… and I thanked him, because I was genuinely grateful for the little bit of time he had shared with me. So I was getting ready to walk away and leave him alone, but his 6’5 tall self had to practically bend down in half to look me in the eye and say, “It was nice meeting you.” I could barely choke out, “You too!” I’ve listened to enough of his songs over and over again to know he’s too much of a rolling stone to stick with a hometown girl, or any girl. But you know… when he gets tired of the road and he’s ready to come back home… I might be here. LOL jk.

Overall, my first celebrity meet and greet was lit! Thanks G-Eazy, I always liked your music, but I’m an even bigger fan now!

The Truth is…

Being a mother is

shielding her

and preparing her

at the same time

If I cry, she asks why

then I feel shame and even sadder

because I never want to make my problems

her problems

I don’t want her to grow up any faster than she has to

I’ve never been happier

or more overwhelmed

Soft, strong, empowered

Holding tight to my identity

while I give my heart and soul

But

I do what I love

I love what I do

Motherhood is a blessing and an honor

It’s number one on my bucket list, checked off

The only thing that matters in this world is her health and happiness

Rosé

She’s Reserve

An old soul

A hippie at heart

Believes in karma

“An interesting girl

who does interesting things”

She tries to please everyone

Yet doesn’t care what they think

And likes art and nature

She’s Rosé

Puppy Love

By Jasmine Neri

Every day chillin on the monkey bars

What two second graders could talk about in depth, I don’t recall

He moved away suddenly

The classroom phone rang

The teacher said it was for him

He packed up his things

And gave me one last look

My friends teased me when I said I missed him

But I missed having someone to talk to

My best friend called it puppy love <3</3

Hills

God, please let me act out of love and not out of fear.

-My prayer when I first found out I was pregnant.

What do you remember about being pregnant?

It was a whirlwind, but I came to terms before I came to term, if you will. It was unexpected, but a happy surprise.

What books and classes did you take?

I always like doing a lot of research, so of course I was diligent about reading up on my pregnancy. I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I took a labor and birthing class, and a class about caring for a newborn. I also toured the maternity wing at my hospital.

What food did you crave? What food did you abhor?

I craved Jamba Juice. I didn’t like meat. Of course, my baby has a sweet tooth, sugar and spice and everything nice.

What clothes did you wear?

“These sweatpants are the only thing that fits me right now.” -Regina George

What physical symptoms did you suffer?

I had a pretty easy pregnancy. I had a little bit of vertigo and heart burn, but nothing crazy. No nausea. Maybe some weird dreams, but I’ve always had those lol.

Did you make any lifestyle change or acquire any new habits?

I think I turned my whole life around. Before that, I was wilding out. But then I lost some friends and made some new ones. I kept to myself for a while. But now I have a mom group 🙂

What rituals did you follow or superstitions do you develop?

Not much. I learned it was better to sleep on my left side. Discovered the luxury of a body pillow. Watched a lot of Jeopardy! and Law and Order: SVU. Played a lot of gangsta rap and read books out loud while Lili was in my belly, so she would know wassup… and she do.

How did other people treat you: your lover, mother, colleagues, strangers?

Generally well. I remember before I told my co-workers I was pregnant, one of them was saying bad things about girls getting pregnant… and my pet peeve was when a couple of people first found out, they would keep glancing at my belly to see if I had a bump. But I liked having special parking at the mall and Toys R Us. haha

What did you fear most?

I feared having postpartum depression. I also feared labor and giving birth, of course, it’s a huge physical feat… I was also nervous about breastfeeding. But everything turned out great 🙂

Notice

Thug mode, activated.

Feelinz, switched OFF.

SAVAGERY, COMMENCING

At least, right now 😐

I’m 26, but I stopped counting at 23. It’s not funny

In a Fog

 

I bit off more than I could chew

Because my first instinct is to try

To see things from your point of view

And to tell myself maybe I am stupid and worthless…

Please be gentle

I’m picking up the pieces until I’m perfect….